Skip to content →

Category: Guns

Statement On The Failure Of Our Petition To Allow Open Carry At The GOP Convention

Remember that one time when Hyperationalist launched a satirical petition to allow guns at the Quicken Loans Arena during the Republican National Committee’s convention and it kind of turned into a whole thing? Here’s a little refresher:


Anyway, the convention is upon us and while there are guns all over Cleveland, there are none in the hands of the civilians in the main convention hall. We failed. Sad!

If you’ve arrived here by any means other than the email we sent out via, here’s the official update we sent regarding the “failure” of that petition:

In spite of tremendous support from over 55,000 concerned patriots across the nation, our petition to spread freedom to Cleveland and beyond has failed.

Apparently in Crooked Hitlary Clinton’s “politically correct” libtard America, some people would rather not be surrounded by high-powered semi-automatic assault weapons with high-capacity cartridges—and so the oppressive policies of Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s regime remain in place.

We at Hyperationalist will continue to fight the good fight until all Americans are free to exercise their God-given Constitutional right to carry any kind of firearm, anywhere they want, at anytime of day or night.

All snark aside, there was no change in the policy because any idiot knows that would it would be monumentally fucking stupid to let people to carry guns into the Quicken Loans Arena under normal circumstances, like during a basketball game or a Maroon 5 concert, let alone during the 2016 Republican National Committee convention at which Donald Trump will be noinated.

But also, because the Secret Service said so.

A note regarding the Secret Service’s policy regarding guns in the convention hall: We at Hyperationalist obviously agree 100% that guns should not be allowed into the Quicken Loans Arena next week. Or the week after that. Or the week after that. Or at any time or place where people gather to shop, be entertained, eat, work, learn, play, protest, etc.

The fine public servants at the Secret Service are simply enforcing a rule that makes absolute sense in all places, at all times, because it is their job to keep people certain people safe—and banishing guns from the places where those people will be is the very best way to ensure their safety.

We think this rule is perfectly reasonable and would very much like to see such a prohibition extended to include any and all public spaces where half-cocked assholes probably shouldn’t be carrying their penis substitutes/extensions deadly weaponry in and around our friends and families and fellow citizens (the ones who are not presidential candidates and political dignitaries).

But let’s be crystal clear about one thing: for the GOP to have used the Secret Service’s prohibition as a cop out in response to the petition is utterly laughable. How many times have congressional Republicans tried to repeal Obamacare now? Fifty times? Sixty times? Isn’t it logical that if they truly disagreed with this policy, if they genuinely held the Second Amendment so dear, they would have taken at least one shot at repealing the government tyranny represented by U.S.C. Title 18 § 3056, 1752.

If “gun-free zones” really are the unconstitutional kill zones Republicans tell us they are, this would have been a perfect time to walk the walk and show us all just how committed they are to the cause of eradicating them. Instead, on this one issue, they punted. “Aw shucks, we really would like to have guns at the convention but they said we couldn’t! Nothing we can do! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.”

Let the record show that the one time they didn’t have the gumption to fight for the Second Amendment was coincidentally the one time it involved their own safety.

So obviously the petition wasn’t a failure. It sparked a brief national conversation around the hypocrisy of the NRAGOP’s position on guns—a hypocrisy that will be on full display next week as tens of thousands of anti-gunsense Republicans pack themselves into a convention hall without the metal machines of mayhem they insist the rest of us should have around us at all times.

In other words, the same Republicans who have helped the NRA and the gun manufacturers flood our country with guns, thus contributing directly to the resulting tens of thousands of gun deaths every year, will be hiding next week behind a “gun-free zone” policy that they claim to oppose, while the rest of us get to live in fear that our child will get shot in crossfire at the playground, that a drunk and abusive husband or boyfriend will get access to a gun, that a downstairs neighbor will be playing with a gun beneath a child’s bedroom, that we’ll be in the wrong place at the wrong time when an argument escalates at the grocery store, that a suicidal teenager will get his or her hands on a gun, that a heroic police officer will find himself targeted by a lunatic with a long gun, that a three-year old will find a gun and shoot himself in the face, and so on…

To this end, Hyperationalist will be monitoring the number and circumstances of gun deaths that occur all across the country between the opening and closing gavels of the convention. We will post a running tally, updated daily, of the roughly 400 Americans who are likely to die by gun while The Grand Old Party is safely tucked away in the gun-free Quicken Loans Arena

Of course, the rest of Cleveland is not a “gun-free zone,” leaving city officials concerned about the various individuals and activist groups who have promised to be loud and proud, carrying their viagra alternatives stupid fucking murder toys in and around the convention zone, blatantly ignoring the pleas of law enforcement officials even in the wake of Dallas.

Stephen Loomis, president of the Cleveland Police Patrolmen’s Association, said he strongly supported citizens’ rights to bear arms, but he is urging people not to take their guns anywhere near Cleveland’s downtown during the convention.

“The last thing in the world we need is anybody walking around here with AR-15s strapped to their back,” he said. “And the absolute tragedy in Dallas is proof positive that we just cannot allow that to happen. I would really just beg these folks, just leave your guns at home. Come, say whatever it is that you want to say, make whatever point it is that you want to make, but it’s going to be very, very difficult to deal with the R.N.C. as it is.”

The gobsmacking contradiction the petition sought to highlight is fully captured in Mr. Loomis’s brief statement. “Sure, everyone should be able to carry guns around, but just not here, please.”

Why, Mr. Loomis? Why not there specifically? And if not there, why anywhere else? Could it be that open carry is just a bad idea everywhere? Could it be that the same advice you’re offering to save the lives of cops might, if applied at all times and everywhere, help save the lives of cops, teachers, kids, firewo/men, pizza delivery guys, doctors, janitors, lawyers, churchgoers, etc.?

Please, if you haven’t already, take a moment to Like and/or Follow us using the buttons below so you won’t miss future posts and projects. Thank you!

Leave a Comment

The Guy Who Shot His 14-Year Old Is Undeserving Of Our Empathy

One should grant enormous leeway to anyone whose child has just died. Like, all the leewayThere’s just very little room for judgment of the words and actions of a person in that terrible, terrible situation.

And yet, even by that standard, the words and actions of Clayton and Elizabeth Brumby after Clayton accidentally shot his 14-year old son Steven in the neck—killing him—were mind-bogglingly, incomprehensibly galling, bordering on sociopathic in tone and content.

First, some context: Steven Brumby was the fourth of seven children. His mom, Elizabeth, is around 50; his dad, Clayton, is 64. They’re super religious. As you can probably guess, the kids were all homeschooled.


On Sunday, July 3, Clayton took his 12-year old daughter and his 14 and 24-year old sons to the shooting range at High Noon Guns—the kind of place that names itself after an idiom denoting the time of day when enemies meet to shoot each other.

Also, the kind of place that posts memes like this one that encourages fun with guns for kids of all ages!

Screen Shot 2016-07-04 at 8.22.23 PM

Anyway, back to the Brumbys…

So Clayton, who is “a church sign salesman and religious book author,” takes his kids to the gun range for some family fun with firearms. He steps up to take his turn feeling like a man and some bullshit happens with a hot shell casing and the next thing you know, 14-year old Steven has taken a bullet to the jugular.

Now, the first thing you need to know is that there is a discrepancy between Clayton’s story and the one given by the Sarasota County Sheriff’s office after reviewing surveillance video. Specifically, Clayton says the bullet ricocheted off the ceiling and hit Steven, while the Sheriff says Clayton “inadvertently pointed the firearm directly behind him and accidentally fired.”

The discrepancy isn’t one that will make a difference in terms of charges being filed or not filed (they likely won’t be)—and that’s what makes it kind of weird. Why within a day of his son’s death was he was exerting any energy to minimize the magnitude of the error that killed him? As if it’s somehow less his fault that his son is dead if the gun was pointed up rather than “directly behind him?”

That weirdness might have been easy to brush off if not for the downright terrifying fucking coldness with which he spoke of the incident to CNN. For starters, he immediately felt the need to defend the gun, saying:

The gun didn’t kill my boy. I did. Every round in the gun is your responsibility. When it fires you need to stand to account for it it. That’s what I’ve spent the last two days doing, accounting for my operating error.
Oh, really? You’ve been accounting for an operating error, have you, Mr. Brumby? Have you perhaps accounted for the error of taking a child into a gun range in the first place? Have you considered that maybe kids and guns don’t mix? Has it crossed your mind that operating errors are far less likely to result in child mortality when they involve board games, hiking, reading, juggling, playing musical instruments, or playing with NERF guns instead of real guns? You know, the things kids do that don’t require the use of deadly weapons? (Florida, by the way, like many states, doesn’t allow minors into bars even with adult supervision. Gun ranges, however, are no problem.)

But mostly, “the gun didn’t kill my boy?” Well, okay, but yes it did. Fine, it doesn’t have a mind of its own and a will, but it is an instrument designed for one purpose—namely, to fire metal projectiles that are designed to tear apart flesh and bone. But whatever, all I’m saying is just, maybe now is not the time to stand up for the innocence of the gun as though you’re worried it’ll get its feelings hurt. Maybe now is the time to just be inconsolable about the actual human being who is dead rather than worried about the poor little semi-automatic Ruger.

His desire to stand up for the gun stems from his simple-minded misconception that people like me blame gun. We don’t. We blame humans for thinking guns are toys, for fetishizing guns, for using them to compensate for other shortcomings, for getting so many innocent children killed by them. We think guns are dangerous machines that stupid civilians shouldn’t be fucking around with.

It gets worse:

That’s why yesterday was so stupid and freaky on me because the gun is supposed to be pointed down range at all times. My first thought was ‘That was pretty stupid of me. I should’ve put the gun down.’

Pretty stupid? You sound like you’re talking about accidentally leaving the gate open so that the dog got out and you had to spend an hour looking for it. You sound like a man who, at worst, got caught cheating on his wife with a gay prostitute because he butt dialed her while taking his pants off. You do not sound like a man who took his children to a gun range and shot one of them in the neck, killing him.

“I can’t fix this,” Brumby told CNN. “It’s just a great loss but thankfully we’ll see him someday. I have a feeling he’s on a great lake out there.”

Holy fucking shit, man. Is this what comes from being such a narcissist that you feel the need to spurt out seven children? Am I just oversensitive because I only have one kid? Is that why you sound like such a cavalier fucking monster to me?

But perhaps the most offensive thing I saw all day was the GoFundMe page set up by Steven’s mother, Elizabeth, asking for “generous gifts and donations [to] help with the expenses the family is now faced with.” The original goal was $50,000.

She’s all like: Hey y’all…my husband just shot my 14-year old son in the neck with our 12-year old daughter’s .22 semi-automatic Ruger SR22 (for some reason he wasn’t using his own 9mm Glock). So do you think we could get about fifty thousand dollars to, like, lift him up to Jesus and stuff? Thanks, interwebs!🙏🇺🇸😇 #blessed

The goal has since been lowered to $10,000. And guess what? People are actually fucking donating (the total currently stands at $15,250) probably because she had the good sense to let them know that Steven was one of them.

He was passionate about his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and dedicated his life to sharing his hope with everyone he met. The families’ only comfort is knowing that He is communing with the heroes of his faith and rejoicing in paradise.

Right. We don’t want our tax dollars going to those darkies killing each other in the hood but we’ll happily fork over more than these lily-white homeschoolers even asked for when they accidentally shoot their own kids.

I’ll bet dollars to donuts these people preach personal responsibility and self-reliance all day long when it comes to other people. Now they’d like your help with the “expenses the family is now faced with.” How about we help by taking away either some of your kids or all of your guns? That’s the kind of help I’d be happy to give.


Anyway, congratulations, Clayton and Elizabeth Brumby. You have pulled off the impossible. You have made it more-or-less impossible to empathize with the parents of a recently-dead child. You are lunatics who probably shouldn’t have procreated once, let alone seven times. But at least you have spares, right? So whatever you do, don’t go and do anything desperate like selling any of those precious guns to pay for Steven’s burial costs.

Leave a Comment

Omar Mateen Was Not A Terrorist – He Was A Loser With A Big Gun

I need to expand just a bit on something I wrote earlier in the week.

The Orlando LGBTQ massacre was not an act of terrorism—irrespective of how one chooses to define the word, by which I mean this: conservatives tend to define violent attacks by brown people from the middle east as terrorism, while liberals are rightly concerned with expanding that definition to include any instance in which, as Wikipedia puts it, violence is used “in order to achieve a political, religious, or ideological aim.”

Omar Mateen had no political, religious, or ideological aim. This was a murder-suicide. This was an act of self-destruction masquerading as an act of martyrdom.

Omar Mateen was gay, this much has become clear. Unfortunately, in addition to whatever psychological disorders were present, his religion fostered, as many religions do, a deep resistance to and hatred of his own inherent homosexuality—and thus the existential anguish of deep self-loathing. This led to a life of lashing out and hurting others until he could bear it no more and began to look for the exit strategy that would make him feel important for the first and only time in his life.

This makes religion a proximate cause, but not a proximate motive.

That he chose to pledge allegiance to ISIS at the end is no more significant than if he had declared a mandate from the Supreme Intergalactic Ambassador for Zarabathia Quadrant Four, Zone Forty Seven. He was a nobody, with no connection or commitment to any stable political, religious, or ideological organization or philosophy, playing war games in his head as an escape from the misery of his reality.

And this is extremely important because it is manifestly distinct from the type of intellectual radicalization that leads to real terrorismBy calling Omar Mateen’s horrific act “terrorism,” we are elevating (degrading?) the act to a status that makes the future commission of similar acts all the more attractive to delusional loners looking for glory. We are granting the dubious prestige he claimed for himself even though he lacked the credentials—and inviting others to do the same.

Of course, we’re only really inviting brown people from the Middle East to do the same, aren’t we?

Remember James Wesley Howell? He was the guy arrested near the Los Angeles Pride festival last Sunday with a trunk full of guns and explosive material, just as the nation was reeling from the news of the Pulse nightclub shooting.

It remains unclear exactly what Howell intended to do in Los Angeles, but here are two things we do know: he was on the run from charges that he molested a 12-year old girl and he has had homosexual relationships but “He didn’t like anybody to know about it,” according to an ex-boyfriend who also claims that Howell had been violent with him. In other words, he was a similarly troubled loner savagely smashing his way through a life he couldn’t make sense of.

There are other white guys who fit this bill and who achieved their aims to greater and lesser extents, but the parallels and timing here are uncanny. James Wesley Howell could have been Omar Mateen and vice versa; that one “succeeded” and the other “failed” does not preclude us from comparing the two—and the salient point of comparison appears to be shame over their shared sexual orientation.

Omar Mateen’s shame may well have originated in harsh disapproval of homosexuality within his religion of birth (Islam), but it might just as well have been informed by the pockets of virulent anti-gay sentiment that persist in his nation of birth (the U.S.)—and so it is especially hypocritical for certain conservatives to point to Islam’s view of homosexuality as evidence of Mateen’s radicalization while ignoring the role that domestic homophobia may have played in either case.

There was no radicalization. Neither had anything resembling a coherent goal tied to any kind of political, religious or ideological set of beliefs. And so the problem is not, as some would argue, that we fail to refer to guys like James Wesley Howell as terrorists; the problem is that we insist on referring to guys like Omar Mateen as terrorists. This sets them apart as a separate and transcendent threat, one that is not inextricably connected to the issue of guns.

But it is entirely about guns.

One can sympathize or not with the set of psychosocial factors that drove these guys to their respective fates, but one cannot make the case that either of them should have had access to guns, let alone big guns, given what was already known about them before last weekend. It was not masterful planning or international support that made Omar Mateen’s pathetic denouement so deadly—it was just a very big gun in the hands of an unhinged loner.

James Wesley Howell also had some very big guns and was able to keep them while on probation for pointing a gun at a neighbor. And there are others like him out there—ticking time bombs with arsenals in their basements and garages and trunks. And they all have different fears and frustrations driving them inexorably toward acts of violence against gays, co-workers, minorities, children, you, me, our families.

Now, please come ‘Like’ Hyperationalist—the page that brought you the satirical petition to allow guns at the GOP convention—on Facebook for more anti-gun, pro-reason content. 

Leave a Comment

These People Have Guns

I am very, very good at not reading the comments. At some early stage in my internet life, I caught a glimpse of that subterranean realm and knew that it was no place for for me. It’s not the negativity; that I can handle. It’s the  special kind of sadness involved in shouting at complete strangers over online posts that you clearly went looking for just so you could shout at complete strangers because…well, I don’t know…because you drink too much or you can’t get it up or whatever.

Having said that, I had never been the host of any forum that had enough of an audience to attract the nutcases, so it was never my responsibility to read the comments. Suffice to say, my audience has grown in recent months and it is now arguably incumbent upon me to at least see what’s going on down there.

I recently wrote a post about the 50 United States Senators who voted against expanded background checks in the wake of the San Bernadino massacre—a vote that has direct bearing on the Orlando massacre. I was surprised and naturally pleased by the attention it received: to date, it has nearly 200,000 pageviews and over 61,000 ‘likes.’

But—and I’m quite sure this is the case any time a piece of internet content reaches anything resembling critical mass—it also brought out the whackjobs. I felt morally obliged to skim their musings.

I’d like to share a brief highlight reel with you and ask you to bear in mind one simple though as you peruse: these people have guns.


GUY #2: Jeez, need a tissue for those tears?, I think you need to get off the computer for a bit

GUY #1: Shut the fuck up you little commie cunt.


GUY #3: I hope you get hit by a car, traitor!


GUY #4: And use a drilldo to go fuck yourselves

GUY #3: Not the drilldo Jesse Kellett! Oh thats bad. Its apparent though that these liberals are already using it. As you know the more they use it, the more the muscles get relaxed… These liberals have crap coming out of both ends…

Look, I say some pretty outrageous things here at Hyperationalist; I am not arguing for elevation of the discourse, whatever the merits of that particular argument may be. All I’m saying is that those people up there? They have guns.

And it’s not as though I went on their walls and started a fight. They found my post, clicked on it and proceeded to unload this bile because they’re very, very angry about the whole thing. Very angry. Like, maybe a little bit unstable—and I have no doubt that these are relatively tame representations of the genre.

These people have guns and they want more guns and they have things to say about that and they’re ready to fight:

WOMAN #2: 318 million people in the US owning an estimated 270 million legal firearms…. Those are just the firearms that are registered! I don’t know about you, but I like our odds waaaaaaay better than I like yours (I’m a gun owner) in the gun control fight. Who will be dumb enough to help with confiscation? 85-90% of our military and their families are legal gun owners…. Over half of them will defend us against the government (and it will be legal for them to do so) …. The UN can’t because no foreign military can step foot here legally to do anything other than train, and even if they did they are still vastly outnumbered by those who will fight back to retain our rights. You’re talking about an open civil war right here in America… Are you really ready for that?

These people have guns. They’re worried about terrorists. I’m worried about them.

Now, please come ‘Like’ Hyperationalist—the page that brought you the satirical petition to allow guns at the GOP convention—on Facebook for more anti-gun, pro-reason content. 

Leave a Comment

Literally Everything Donald Trump Says About Orlando Is Fucking Wrong

First, there was the tweet that was reviled around the world:

Trump is insinuating that his call for a ban on Muslims entering the United States was prescient and could have prevented the attack. Given that the shooter was born in the United States 29 years ago, it is difficult to see how a 2016 ban on Muslims entering the United States could have prevented an attack that occurred two days ago. Unless Trump has a time machine, this is fucking wrong.

But also, he’s fucking wrong about the genesis of the shooter’s hate. It is becoming increasingly clear that Mateen was a closeted homosexual who hated himself so much that he needed to kill dozens of happy, un-closeted homosexuals on his way out of a life he couldn’t bear. Yes, he turned to the extreme voices in his religion for justification, as many Christians and Muslims have done before him. Unless Trump can show that anti-gay sentiment wasn’t the prime motivator here, it doesn’t matter what religion the guy subscribed to and Trump is fucking wrong.

Donald Trump with NRA Executive Director Chris Cox and Executive Vice President Wayne Lapierre.

“If you had some guns in that club the night that this took place,” Trump said, “if you had guns on the other side, you wouldn’t have had the tragedy that you had.”

The problem with this is that Pulse is a nightclub where alcoholic beverages are served and consumed into the wee hours of the morning. In Florida, as in most states, it is illegal to have guns in such establishments. Unless Trump is advocating a change in the laws concerning guns and booze, this is fucking wrong. 

Finally, Trump insinuated that President Barack Obama might be a Trojan Horse who was in on the massacre, stringing together the following sentiments in a Fox “News” interview this morning:

[Obama] doesn’t get it—or he gets it better than anyone understands. It’s one or the other and either one is unacceptable…

This is a mentality, this is a state, and you have thousands of shooters like this with the same mentality out there in this country and we’re bringing thousands and thousands of them back into the country..This could be the all-time great Trojan Horse…

We’re led by a man that either is not tough, not smart or he’s got something else in mind—and the something else in mind.

Yes, Donald, Barack Obama came here as a brainwashed child from Kenya for the sole purpose of ascending to the presidency so that, in his last year of office, he could somehow conspire to kill scores of homosexuals with one closet-case loser who was able to purchase an AR-15 last week despite having been investigated twice by the FBI for “possible links to terrorism.” Unless Trump has evidence that Barack Obama is a secret Muslim terrorist and/or that the shooter’s access to guns isn’t a more likely explanation, this is fucking wrong. 

Also, the Big Orange Man has failed to mention James Wesley Howell, the white man who was found near the Los Angeles Pride Festival, “sitting in a car registered in Indiana and a search turned up three assault rifles, high-capacity magazines, ammunition and a 5-gallon bucket with chemicals that could be used to create an explosive device,” according to CNN.

Sure, Howell didn’t end up killing anyone, but it sure looks like he wanted to—and given the temporal proximity of his arrest to the massacre in Orlando, one would think that maybe it would be important to discussing the parallels between homegrown hate and what Trump perceives as foreign hate (even though he’s fucking wrong about that). He’d rather paint Barack Obama as foreign than face the reality of domestic terror.

James Wesley Howell doesn’t fit into the Narrative of the Other that Trump is pushing. We don’t yet know Howell’s motive, but from the color of his skin we can guess that it was not related to Islam and so Trump doesn’t feel the need to address another incident in which homosexuals appear to have been targeted. But what will he say if a white person shoots up another bunch of gays, or another abortion clinic, or a mosque full of praying Muslims? Trump’s failure to talk about James Wesley Howell is fucking wrong. 

One Comment

50 Senators, 50 Victims

[NOTE: Several people have written to say that they can’t read the names in the photo because they’re too small. Here is a link to the roll call vote of the measure this post is referencing—I recommend scrolling down to “Grouped By Vote Position—NAYs.” Alternately, you can save the photo to your photo library and that should enable you to zoom into a full-resolution version. I hope this helps!]

Above are the 50 United States Senators whose votes allowed Omar Mateen to purchase his weapons legally within the last week.

Above are the 50 United States Senators who, in the wake of the San Bernadino shooting, didn’t think that expanded background checks were needed.

Above are the 50 United States Senators who stand between all of us and commonsense gun control legislation that would make guns more difficult to access, especially for people like Omar Mateen who, according to the Los Angeles Times, had “been interviewed by the FBI twice and  had once been on a terrorist watch list.”

Above are the 50 United States Senators that the NRA has given $27,205,245 to during the course of their respective political careers.

Above are the 50 United Senators who may as well have each individually pulled a trigger on one of the 50 victims of the Orlando massacre.

Here’s how to contact them:

Now, please come ‘Like’ Hyperationalistthe page that brought you the satirical petition to allow guns at the GOP convention—on Facebook for more anti-gun, pro-reason content. 



Enough already.

At least 50 are dead at a gay nightclub in Orlando after one man—one man—walked in with an assault rifle and a handgun and shredded over 100 people with bullets. At least 50 of these people are dead in what is now our nation’s largest mass shooting ever.

I saw this tweet today from Esquire writer Luke O’Neil

At first it struck me as nothing more than a justifiably angry and cathartic reaction. But you know what? Fuck gun people. Fuck them all. Get these people out of your lives.

I’m not talking about your father-in-law who hunts and has a a couple rifles locked in the basement. I’m talking about people who think guns are sexy, people who carry guns to the grocery store, people who persist in the belief that guns make them and their families safer despite all available evidence to the contrary, people who fantasize about being a hero with their gun.

I doubt I have that many in my life to begin with due to the fact that I try to surround myself with intelligent and rational people…but I don’t really know how many peripheral friends and acquaintances are into guns and I want them gone.

If you are a person who is either enthusiastic about guns or hostile to the idea of much stricter gun control, I want you the fuck out of my life. Now. Your idiotic fetish and/or dogmatic attachment to an idiotic interpretation of the Second Amendment is a danger to me and my loved ones.

I fear you more than I fear terrorists or criminals because you are the people who keep us awash in the guns that end up in the hands of terrorists and criminals.

You are the problem

Please self-select and #gUnfriend me immediately.

Leave a Comment

Funbags & Firearms

Guns don’t kill people, boobies kill people.

Right? I mean, otherwise why would there by countless ordinances, zoning regulations and laws banning or regulating the showing of luscious love melons in adult establishments all over America? What else would justify any attempt to interfere with the ability of small business owners to pursue the American Dream by building, operating and profiting from a product that is in demand—namely, the opportunity to sit in a comfortable chair and look at a smorgasbord of hum dinging howitzers in peace?

tempest-storm-guns_pas_un_autre Politicians, local officials and citizens have given serious thought to this matter, so one must assume that it is real problem that results in dozens, if not thousands of injuries and/or deaths per year, right? At the very least, chi-chi bars must produce effects that are far more deleterious than those created by, say, businesses that make, sell or otherwise facilitate the procurement and use of guns, right?

Clearly the very act of ogling jiggling jugs in windowless, adult-only establishments is a far greater danger to the nation’s children than, for example, giving a nine-year old the opportunity to shoot a fully automatic uzi at a burger joint. This is why many a state legislature has seen to it that huge hooter havens must adhere to a variety of rules, ranging from the “six foot rule,” which requires nude performers to maintain that distance from their audience, to prohibitions on “full nudity,” wherein strippers are compelled to wear pasties and/or something that covers their vulvas and the place where the poo comes out.

In many places, tough regulations have been used as a thinly veiled end-run designed to drive strip clubs out of business without running afoul of the First Amendment. Phillip Cosby (no relation to Bill Cosby), director of the American Family Association of Kansas and Missouri, said it best while promoting a bill to “heavily regulate” these plush pillow plants, or “sexually-oriented businesses,” as they are known in the world of zoning and regulation

“These are not engines of economic prosperity,” said Phillip Cosby, director of the American Family Association of Kansas and Missouri. “These businesses have a negative impact on communities.” 

The “Community Defense Act,” as supporters call it, opens with a long paragraph explaining that its purpose is to “regulate sexually oriented businesses in order to promote the health, safety and general welfare of the citizens of Kansas,” and not to restrict adult materials or entertainment that are free expressions protected by the First Amendment. 

Cosby said some examples of negative effects from adult businesses are an increase in sexually transmitted diseases, crime and general blight. 

“That’s why you can regulate them,” Cosby said. “That’s why you can restrict them, and there’s no infringement.”

40854What he’s citing here is the secondary effects doctrine which “formally holds that a speech regulation will be treated as content-neutral if its purpose is to control the secondary effects of speech, even if it facially discriminates according to speech content.”

In other words, it’s okay to regulate something that the Constitution specifically says shouldn’t be regulated, as long as you’re just trying to stop some peripheral bad things that result from not regulating it.

Well that makes perfect sense to me. The health and well-being of our citizens should be first and foremost in the minds of legislators and others who consider the imposition of restrictions upon our daily activities, including the viewing of big brown eyes by eyes of any color. That’s probably why the zoning ordinance guide for Mojave County—the county where Bullets & Burgers gun range is located—contains the word “sexually” 41 times while making not a single mention of “gun,” “guns,” “weapon,” “weapons,” or “shooting.”

There are, among other things, sections governing each of the following:

  • Off Street Parking Standards
  • Manufactured Home Requirements
  • Establishment of Retail Plant Nurseries
  • Establishment of a Kennel or Veterinary Clinic
  • Child Care Facilities
  • Garage/Yard Sale – General Provisions
  • Sexually Oriented Businesses (emphasis addded)

Regarding that last category, the Mojave County Planning & Zoning Department seems to have two primary concerns. First, they seek to establish a safe distance from schools, churches and parks:

2ea6428334b5c314d1d695048fb32834No person shall cause or permit the establishment of any sexually oriented businesses, as defined above, within 1,000 feet of another such business or within 1,000 feet of any religious institution, school, boys’ club, girls’ club, or similar existing youth organization, or public park or public building, or within 1,000 feet of any property zoned for residential use or used for residential purposes…

Also, there is an issue so important that it has earned its own subheading: “Regulations Pertaining to Exhibition of Sexually Explicit Films or Videos in Video Booths.” This section covers business which exhibit “in a veiling room of less than 150 square feet of floor space, a film, video cassette or other video production which depicts specified sexual activities or specified anatomical areas.” Just to further clarify, some definitions are contained in the same document:

26. “Specific anatomical areas” means any of the following: 

a. A human anus, genitals, pubic region or a female breast below a point immediately above the top of the areola that is less than completely and opaquely covered.

b. Male genitals in a discernibly turgid state even if completely and opaquely covered.

27. “Specific sexual activities” means any of the following:

a. Human genitals in a state of sexual stimulation or arousal. 

b. Sex acts, normal or perverted, actual or stimulated, including acts of human masturbation, sexual intercourse, oral copulation or sodomy. 

c. Fondling or other erotic touching of the human genitals, pubic region, buttocks, anus or female breast. 

d. Excretory functions as a part of or in connection with any of the activities under subdivision a, b or c of this paragraph. 

Oh, also:

d. The premises shall be equipped with overhead lighting fixtures of sufficient intensity to illuminate every place to which patrons are permitted access and an illumination of not less than two foot candle as measured at the floor level. 

So, as you can see, some of the great minds in Mojave County (which has some of the most permissive gun laws in the nation) have really put quite a bit of thought into the question of where and how people should be allowed to look at totally titanic titties.

And they are not alone. Laws governing sexually oriented business are on the books all across the land because, you know…guns don’t kill people, glistening globular glands kill people. Where would we be, what kind of nation would we be living in if, at any time of the day or night, a grown man or woman could walk into an establishment where massive malleable mammaroonies are flying freely through manufactured smoke and strobe lighting?

The Constitution of the United States of America does not carve out a specific right to  display or view lovely jubbly wubblies because surely the Almighty Lord God of the Blood of the Lamb did not create mouthwatering milkshake meat muffins in his own image simply so that any Tom, Dick or Harry could see them any time he wants—whereas he clearly wants any Tom, Dick or Harry to have unfettered access to deadly pieces of steel that launch projectiles designed to tear apart the very same flesh and bone those pretty pink-nosed puppies are made of.

Leave a Comment

Holston Cole, 2013-2016

Holston Cole, age three, shot himself in the chest with his father’s gun on Tuesday morning in Paulding County, Georgia. He is dead now.

Before I go on, here’s a video from his dad’s YouTube channel of Holston flying a kite around the house just days before pulling a semi-automatic pistol out of his dad’s bookbag and shooting himself in the chest with it.

And here, if you can stomach it, is a local news report with the 911 call Holston’s dad made when he found his son with a hole in his chest.

I don’t really know where to begin. I’m a father and I’m not inhuman, so my first reaction is agony for the parents, but that agony very quickly becomes mixed with blood-boiling rage that threatens to overtake the very compassion that motivates my antipathy toward guns in the first place.

You see, if the elder Cole had shot himself in the chest with his stupid fucking gun, there wouldn’t be much ambiguity in my response. Good riddance, idiot. Paging Dr. Darwin. But he didn’t shoot himself in the chest with his stupid fucking gun, his beloved three-year old son, Holston, did.

He probably thought he was protecting Holston by having that gun handy and he probably held fast to that view in spite of all available evidence to the contrary; in spite of seeing regular news reports about other kids shooting themselves or others with their parents’ guns. And I have no doubt that he thought of himself as a responsible gun owner—just as all gun owners do until the moment they’re not.

So what the fuck am I supposed to feel right now? What the fuck are any of us supposed to feel? Are we supposed to just tweet a frowny face and write it off as yet another unavoidable tragedy? Are we supposed to ignore it as a private misfortune that doesn’t concern us? Are we supposed to allow our agony for a parent to overwhelm our righteous indignation over the pointless death of a three-year old?

You know, here’s the thing: If this guy had left his son in a car on a hot day, I’d feel nothing but grief and sympathy because anyone is capable of making a tragic mistake. This just isn’t that simple. Yes, leaving the gun unsecured and accessible to the child was a tragic mistake, but having a deadly fucking weapon in the home in the first place—an object that has as its sole purpose the tearing apart of flesh and bone—adds a layer of irresponsibility that cannot be brushed aside in light of the mountain of evidence that doing so makes your family less safe, not more safe.

The family has asked for prayers. Well, my “prayer” preceded Holston’s death by gun. It was an appeal not to any higher power, but to the sensibility of my fellow citizens to stop it already with the fucking guns. family photo with highlight_1461782893051_4020733_ver1.0_640_360

Leave a Comment

Gun Violence in the Most Expected of Places

Before I piss everybody off, let me state unequivocally that kids are kids and cannot be held fully responsible for their actions if the dividing line between childhood and adulthood is to mean anything. Kids are victims even when they’re the perpetrators. We should not charge kids as adults because…well, because they’re kids. Kids don’t fail, we fail kids.

In short, the things I’m about to say about a kid (whose name I will not use) are intended solely to point to the failures of the adults around him and society at large.

Have I made myself clear? Good. Proceed.

I’ve been keeping an eye on the horrific mass killing in Ohio. Details have been scarce, so I did a little light digging out of curiosity and what I found was not at all surprising. Here’s the youngest victim’s Facebook banner photo.


This was a 16-year old kid who, judging from his Facebook page and reports from school officials, was a real gentleman—a real gentleman immersed in the gun culture of the adults around him. (Okay, not only gun culture; there also appears to be some devotion to the Confederate flag which, to me anyway, carries with it a subtextual threat of violence, but let’s leave that alone for now.)

He had over 1,500 Facebook friends. I did some random clicking through on comments, posts, likes, shares, etc. and while there were many, many lovely photos depicting family and friendship and other hobbies (like demolition derby), it was never long before I found a photo that included a gun—guns for sale/trade, guns for hunting, guns just for show, guns for standing one’s ground.

I am emphatically not saying that these people deserved what they got. I’m not saying they weren’t decent people. I didn’t know them. I am saying that gun culture begets violence. I am saying that a 16-year old kid shouldn’t be thinking, let alone posting on social media about standing his ground with a gun.

I am saying that the fact that he was thinking about this was almost certainly a symptom and/or an instigator of the dynamic that led to this tragedy. Given that this has been his cover photo since January 9th, I have to wonder if the adults around him did anything to discourage his brashness on the subject. Or did they think they were protecting him by allowing or encouraging it?

I’ll leave you with two pieces on the correlation between gun ownership and gun-related deaths. The first does not differentiate between suicide and homicide. The second is for those who think that we should discount suicides when talking about this subject. Either way, guns beget gun deaths.

Leave a Comment