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Category: Politics

BREAKING: Donald Trump Is A Serial Child Molester, Maybe

This is terrible. I’ve just learned that Donald Trump is a serial child molester.

By “I’ve just learned,” I mean that I’ve just heard it…somewhere…which means that it might probably could possibly be a thing that is definitely true. Which, in a sense, means that it is true, at least until proven otherwise, though I hear by here by hereby reserve the right to refuse to acknowledge the existence and/or veracity of whatever evidence is offered as “proof.”

Is this a “fact?” Is this “fake news?” Well, look I don’t know and I wouldn’t want to speculate about something so serious, but all I can say is that sure, I have heard people say the words “Donald Trump is a serial child molester” and certainly that seems not only fishy but serious and a matter that someone(s) should look into or at least talk about casually whenever they feel like it and certainly not feel compelled to reject it out of hand regardless of how preposterous the allegation might seem on its face or how non-existent is the evidence to support such a claim.

So I personally don’t say that Donald Trump is a serial child molester, but I also don’t say that he’s not. I just say that anyone who serially molests children is someone who should not be allowed to walk freely among us, let alone hold high office. And while I don’t know if these claims are true, I’m certainly not going to not discuss it when it happens to come up in conversation, whatever the evidence says or doesn’t say, regardless of whether anyone is able to eventually rule in any meaningful way on the truthfulness of the claim.

To be fair, I did see him doing something with a child in a bathroom in New York City once, but—and I’m sure he’d have a tremendous understanding of this—much as Donald Trump cannot recall when or where he saw it or provide evidence that he saw thousands cheering the fall of the twin towers in Jersey City, NJ, I cannot recall exactly when or where or even exactly what I saw. I spent a fair amount of time in New York City between 1995 and 2007, in and out of various buildings and their respective restrooms, encountering all sorts of interesting and unusual and/or abhorrent things and all I recall is that I once walked into a restroom and there was Donald Trump and also a boy of about 14.

Maybe they were just peeing. Maybe I subliminally superimposed a dark interpretation of events onto this memory  due to having at some point in the past heard the words “Donald Trump is a serial child molester.”

Or maybe I dreamed the whole thing and couldn’t distinguish dream from reality due to the plausibility of the scenario and simply encoded it as a memory in the part of my brain where everything prior to 2009 is pretty vague to begin with.

And just as Donald Trump has chosen not to elaborate on his claim that President Barack Obama had his phones at Trump Tower “wire tapped” just before the election, so too do I decline to provide anything in the way of substantiation of my claim about Donald Trump touching little boys inappropriately.

Look, all I’m saying is that there really is no such thing as truth, that there is only what we feel and what we hear and read on whatever channels and websites and pamphlets we choose to consume or not consume. You say Donald Trump is a serial child molester? Well then that’s your truth and you should feel free to bring it up at any time for whatever reason and far be it from me to object or refute it as nonsense. It would certainly explain Mr. Trump’s ex-wife Ivana’s assertion that he “had difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection” with her. Whatever the case, at the very least, there should definitely be an in-depth investigation into my claim if for no other reason than that I have made it.

I mean, here’s the thing: the world is just words and words don’t mean things unless we let them—and that, I can tell you, is called political correctness. Which is a thing that Donald Trump should definitely seek to end if he truly plans to make America great again.

Now, please come ‘Like’ Hyperationalistthe page that brought you the satirical petition to allow guns at the GOP convention—on Facebook for more anti-gun, pro-reason content. 

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