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A Golden Ticket From Trumpaloompa

[This post originally appeared one week ago, but bears re-sharing tonight. My apologies if you’ve been dragged here for a second time.]

Wherever you fall on the left-hand side of the aisle, whether you’re happy about Hillary or blue over Bernie, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind everyone of something that we might have lost sight of as we allowed intramural squabbling to temporarily distract us from the prize. It is something glorious that should fill us with the purest form of joy and hope for the future. It is better than puppies and rainbows and yes, it is even better than baby sloths. Here it is:

The Republican Party is collapsing like a prolapsed asshole into a noxious cesspool of its own diseased fecal matter.

You guys…Donald Trump is almost certainly going to be the Republican nominee for President of the United States. I know a contested convention would have been fun times and all, but at the end of the day there is simply nothing more apocalyptically humiliating than finding that you spent the last fifty years building a party whose voters went to primaries and caucuses all over the nation in 2016 and chose Donald J. Trump as their nominee.


Donald Trump has emerged, apparently to everyone’s immense surprise, from a decades-long ratcheting up of anti-intellectualism in America—instigated and promulgated almost entirely through the conduit of talk radio and Fox “News” and then steeped in an increasingly segmented social media environment where this antipathy has been amplified and weaponized. The congenitally stupid were expertly exploited while those who should have known better were either successfully dumbed down or asked to turn a blind eye in the name of economic gain.

It all began the moment it became clear that, politically speaking, increasing knowledge was inextricably linked with increasing tolerance, increasing civility, and (most horrifyingly) increasing equality. It is tempting and intuitive to conclude that some unseen cadre of evil, cigar smoking, men that look and sound like Max von Sydow decided that something had to be done to fight this death march toward a faggoty multicultural nightmare, but that is not what happened. What happened is that craven political opportunists subconsciously saw a market to be exploited: the fatally insecure psyche of the straight, aging white man.

No greater market has ever been drilled, tapped, and milked with such efficiency, save perhaps for the American slave trade two hundred years earlier. The angry, old white man’s prostate was expertly finessed by the long, indignation-lubricated finger of right-wing demagoguery until it ejaculated an ocean of selfishness, bigotry, jingoism, and all other manner of bile that inseminated an open wound in the Republican party which subsequently gave birth to the dumpster baby that is Donald J. Trump.

While establishment Republicans are melodramatically scratching their heads and either pretending to be serious or genuinely self-deluded enough to actually be serious when they ask “How did this happen?!” I find myself slack jawed at just how fucking predictable this all was. It’s almost banal. Of course Donald Trump is who Republican voters have chosen. The only surprise is that it took this long for him to (almost) lock it up.

And so here we are. We have been presented with a once-in-a-lifetime chance to hit the reset button. All we have to do is seize this moment and start to paint the map blue again. Anyone who wants to someday elect someone in the mold of Bernie Sanders must play an active role in starting to reverse the following trends:Image

This is it, folks. We will not see another moment like this in our lifetimes. The GOP chickens have come home to shit all over the dining room table during Sunday dinner. I am no longer concerned that Donald Trump will win. He won’t. But it would be nearly as tragic if we failed to take full advantage of this opportunity to…well, to make America great again.

Published in Election 2016 Politics


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